I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
