it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
