I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
