if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
