mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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