he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
