The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
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