Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
