phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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