Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
i need some magic done to my vagina
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Randomize
