The maid of honor just puked.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Randomize
