dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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