You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
He has the fingertips of a God
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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