I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize
