I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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