After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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