you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
