He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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