P.S. I can't hear my feet
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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