Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
