On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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