Plan B is the new Plan A
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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