your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
