I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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