the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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