I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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