I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
