I don't usually arrange sex via text message
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
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