you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
