6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
