if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
