Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Randomize
