you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
