I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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