Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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