You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
