My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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