I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
