my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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