Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
