i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
