i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
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