she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
