Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Randomize
