I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
