Kiss
Puke
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
