hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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