its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
