I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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