I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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