i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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