Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
