i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
