Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
