Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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