I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
