Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
please come you make the beer taste better
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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