You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize