She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
